My You Tube Ex...
I have a strange sense of spiritually. I'm probably completely full of shit, don't know what I'm talking about and will probably change my mind at some point. However, I believe in a God/Karma/Higher power type entity but I won't go as far as to claim any religion for many different reasons. I also believe that sometimes we can purposely or inadvertently will certain things to happen. We generally have some control over it and can stop or change the outcome however, like with everything if we don't stop ourselves then we can lose control and events will ricochet out of our mental/spiritual hands.
Two weeks ago I went by Walgreen's to pick-up one of my prescriptions. I wasn't really thinking of anything imparticular as I walked down the center aisle headed towards the exit. I looked up to see my You Tube Ex (I'm calling him this instead of by his real name to preserve his anonymity). I did what I always do, I stopped veered off in another direction and practically ran towards the exit, hoping he wouldn't see me go down another aisle.
After that day, I couldn't get the avoided encounter off my mind. I told a writer friend of mine about what had happened, in a vain hope of getting it out of my mind and heart. It didn't work.
For about the past two weeks he's been on the edge of my thoughts. I wonder what he's doing. Did he really get married or was that just a rumor told to me? I imagine what I'd say to him if I actually got the balls to not run away. And I think about that video he'd made with that local film group. I've played with the idea of looking it up and just watching it again but I've kept myself from doing it. It's too Internet stalkerish, the video itself is disturbing, and watching him just freaks me out.
Today, I'm at work when a man comes in asking me for the location of two people in a different department on my office's floor. I gave him directions and sent him on his way. A few minutes later he returned to ask me when they usually come in on Mondays as they left early today (it's a Friday). After answering him, he proceeded to give me his business card and of course, the card was for said Film company.
We talked for a few minutes about films. I admitted to having seen the film and gave my impressions. He was a very nice guy and someone I would probably be friends with but rather than seek out that friendship, as I've been known to do, I kept my mouth shut. Friendship with this guy would mean allowing YouTube Ex back into my life and that would just be awkward.
After the guy left I started thinking about my ex and I realized that my constant thoughts of him these past few weeks has set something in motion (I'm not sure what but I have). I can feel it in the air around me. Things are going to change. I won't be able to run away from him and it scares me. I don't think I'll fall back into his arms and be the co-dependant woman I was all those years ago but I do think I'll end up confused and conflicted.
If the film guy brings my ex up to our floor for a meeting and decides to stop by my office and say hi, what will I do? I've joked, with the few people I've told, that I'll get up and hide but I have a feeling that that option won't be available to me.
I'm probably allowing my imagination to spin out of control and allowing myself to freak out but if I'm right I may have set things so far in motion that I now have very little control over the inevitable. It's a scary thought.
Two weeks ago I went by Walgreen's to pick-up one of my prescriptions. I wasn't really thinking of anything imparticular as I walked down the center aisle headed towards the exit. I looked up to see my You Tube Ex (I'm calling him this instead of by his real name to preserve his anonymity). I did what I always do, I stopped veered off in another direction and practically ran towards the exit, hoping he wouldn't see me go down another aisle.
After that day, I couldn't get the avoided encounter off my mind. I told a writer friend of mine about what had happened, in a vain hope of getting it out of my mind and heart. It didn't work.
For about the past two weeks he's been on the edge of my thoughts. I wonder what he's doing. Did he really get married or was that just a rumor told to me? I imagine what I'd say to him if I actually got the balls to not run away. And I think about that video he'd made with that local film group. I've played with the idea of looking it up and just watching it again but I've kept myself from doing it. It's too Internet stalkerish, the video itself is disturbing, and watching him just freaks me out.
Today, I'm at work when a man comes in asking me for the location of two people in a different department on my office's floor. I gave him directions and sent him on his way. A few minutes later he returned to ask me when they usually come in on Mondays as they left early today (it's a Friday). After answering him, he proceeded to give me his business card and of course, the card was for said Film company.
We talked for a few minutes about films. I admitted to having seen the film and gave my impressions. He was a very nice guy and someone I would probably be friends with but rather than seek out that friendship, as I've been known to do, I kept my mouth shut. Friendship with this guy would mean allowing YouTube Ex back into my life and that would just be awkward.
After the guy left I started thinking about my ex and I realized that my constant thoughts of him these past few weeks has set something in motion (I'm not sure what but I have). I can feel it in the air around me. Things are going to change. I won't be able to run away from him and it scares me. I don't think I'll fall back into his arms and be the co-dependant woman I was all those years ago but I do think I'll end up confused and conflicted.
If the film guy brings my ex up to our floor for a meeting and decides to stop by my office and say hi, what will I do? I've joked, with the few people I've told, that I'll get up and hide but I have a feeling that that option won't be available to me.
I'm probably allowing my imagination to spin out of control and allowing myself to freak out but if I'm right I may have set things so far in motion that I now have very little control over the inevitable. It's a scary thought.
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