Coin Toss
So, as many of you may remember I've been vacillating on whether to take this new teaching job or not. I hit a real low last Friday night/Saturday morning. It started on Wednesday night when I couldn't sleep. My choices and the consequences of my choices kept running through my head.
It was all this that caused me to cry an ocean of tears at 2 a.m. I cried out of frustration, confusing and fear. I began to think --not for the first time-- that I'd managed to waste three years of my life and wracked up even more debt by getting an M.A. and that I wasn't even sure I wanted to bother with a PhD if this was how my life was going to continue to be.
I cried and cried until I was caught and assured that I was making the right decision and in fact, needed to leave my current job for the unknown. However, I remained unsure. Part of the problem is trusting someone with my well being. It's not just trusting this particular person. It's trusting anyone with paying bills.
On Monday, I tried to decipher what my gut was telling me but I've debated the decision so long that my gut didn't even know what it wanted. So, I decided on flipping a coin. I updated my personal Facebook status to suggest this and my friend said the following:
And I didn't have the urge to flip it again but I did just to see what would happen if it landed on tails.
Same reaction but I needed to see if my reaction would be the same if it was tails. So, again.
And I immediately, wanted to flip the coin to heads.
I've been pretty content with the coin toss but as I get closer to having to send in my resignation letter I've become more and more apprehensive.
But, I've learned that my problem is a trust issue and I need to get through it.
It was all this that caused me to cry an ocean of tears at 2 a.m. I cried out of frustration, confusing and fear. I began to think --not for the first time-- that I'd managed to waste three years of my life and wracked up even more debt by getting an M.A. and that I wasn't even sure I wanted to bother with a PhD if this was how my life was going to continue to be.
I cried and cried until I was caught and assured that I was making the right decision and in fact, needed to leave my current job for the unknown. However, I remained unsure. Part of the problem is trusting someone with my well being. It's not just trusting this particular person. It's trusting anyone with paying bills.
On Monday, I tried to decipher what my gut was telling me but I've debated the decision so long that my gut didn't even know what it wanted. So, I decided on flipping a coin. I updated my personal Facebook status to suggest this and my friend said the following:
Flipping a coin is the only way to know which choice is the choice you really want. If you flip the coin and when it lands your instinct is to flip it again then the choice is obvious. It's less about letting the coin make the choice more about knowing what is the right choice when you feel like its been taken away.After reading it I realized he was right but decided to experiment. I took a coin and designated each side; heads the teaching job, tails the current job.
Flip, land, heads.
And I didn't have the urge to flip it again but I did just to see what would happen if it landed on tails.
Flip, land, heads.
Same reaction but I needed to see if my reaction would be the same if it was tails. So, again.
Flip, land, tails.
And I immediately, wanted to flip the coin to heads.
I've been pretty content with the coin toss but as I get closer to having to send in my resignation letter I've become more and more apprehensive.
But, I've learned that my problem is a trust issue and I need to get through it.
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