Just Keep Swimming

 

Twenty days ago, I was so excited to start writing again.  I had ideas and wanted to just ride the wave of creativity and then the wave became unsteady, I became unsteady, fell over, and got caught in the waves. 

The “waves” in this instance is depression and anxiety.  I take medication and I see a therapist but sometimes…sometimes it just happens. 

I read this article or post or something that said that when you’re caught in ocean waves, you’re not supposed to fight.  You’re supposed to swim parallel to the shore until you’re out of the current then head for land.  I’ve been caught in ocean waves before and it’s really hard to figure out which way is up when you’re at the mercy of the ocean – swirled around, bobbing to the surface just to be hit in the face by another wave of salty water, eyes stinging, mouth and throat coated in salt, lungs filled with liquid, no room for air.

That’s how depression and anxiety feel.  What makes it harder is you’re supposed to fight it; use your coping skills, remind yourself that it’s your brain playing tricks on you, talk to your therapist, take walks, take your meds…

just. keep. swimming

But it’s exhausting, your limbs hurt, your mouth is coated in salt, you’re choking on water, and your eyes are burning.

So, this is what I decided to write about because there’s nothing else, I can think to say.  It’s not glamorous, witty, thought provoking, or uplifting.  It’s just part of who I am and a part of my life.  I just keep swimming.

Reboot

 

Lately, I’ve missed writing.  I used to write all the time.  Hell, I got a master’s degree in English with an emphasis in creative nonfiction but the experience and the “constructive” criticism I made me doubt myself. I decided I wasn’t really a good writer.  So, I stopped taking it seriously.  I stopped looking for contests and paying attention to how other authors wrote.  I kept writing but I didn’t care.  It was just something I did until I didn’t.    

But lately, I’ve felt this overwhelming desire to write again. 

So, I decided to resurrect my old blog from about 7 years.  It took me about 30 minutes to figure out what Gmail address I’d used and another 30 to get to the blog.  When I saw it, I was kind of shocked because – why did it look like I was a cosmetics influencer when my blogs had nothing to do with makeup?  It felt like looking at an old diary.  Back then, I was desperate to contribute and be seen and validated.  I wanted to be part of the group of creative voices I heard, read, and watched but I got too focused on what the blog looked like versus what I said because again I didn’t really care what I wrote.  Looking at the blog, I remember being exhausted by the decorating and having no energy to put into words.

So, I’m starting over.  I’m not going to worry about background and font colors or what colors a button changes to when you click on it (although I did change the theme to something more me and less “buy this foundation”).  I’m just going to write.  Obviously, I’m going to edit and probably have someone review my writing for grammar and spelling.  So, if something slips by it’s not my fault.  Even if it is, it’s my editors. 

Here’s what to expect – random thoughts and words.  There’s no theme to my blog.  It’s just me sharing insight and thoughts on whatever comes to my ADHD mind to share.  I might write about a sermon from church or share a recipe and pictures of something I’ve cooked or baked.  I might vent about work, friends, family.  I’ll definitely post about my cats and dog.  I just want to share and be part of the writing community again.  I miss it.   

Honestly, I’m not even sure if I’m actually going to post this.  I might just act like a turtle and stick my head back in my shell.  I mean, my shell is pretty nice – internet, TV, two cats, a dog, and valet trash pickup.