Dreaming of Dad
I have two types of dreams about my father. The first is a deep sleep dream that I have until my alarm clock, with its loud and persistent beeping, yanks me from my sleep. I gasp for air as my eyes fill with tears and I cry because the dreams seem so real and they're not. He's gone.
The other type of dreams I have are the ones where I'm in a half dream half alert state I know I'm dreaming but I'm so desperate to remain in my dream that I desperately cling to the images while other parts of my brain pull me into reality. When I do wake up I'm frustrated because I failed to stay in my fantasy world.
The other night I had the second type dream. My mother, father and I are were sitting on our old gold couch in my childhood home. We were just sitting, laughing and talking about nothing important. I remember having my head on my dad's shoulder and my arms around him. It was uncharacteristic of us to be that affectionate with each other but in my dream state it was okay. The images started to fade away and I clung to my father until he disappeared and I reluctantly opened my eyes.
As I get closer to graduation I spend a lot of time thinking about my father. Christmas--his favorite holiday--is fast approaching and my graduation is a month away. I miss him and wish he were here to see me walk across the stage wearing my stole, getting my masters. I know a lot of people will say that he will be there in spirit or looking down on me from heaven above and maybe he will but I can't help but want to say, "What a bunch of pandering bull shit." I know they're just trying to make me feel better but it really just pisses me off. Frankly, at moments like these it feels unfair that he had to die before I graduated with my Master, that he won't be around to see me get a PhD or see me published. And I know that I'm luckier than some. My father was here for my high school and my first college graduation but is it so bad to be greedy when it comes to having your parents at more special occasions? I don't think so.
I know being angry won't change any of the facts and the only person suffering is me but I miss my dad and there's no words of comfort that can take up the space he once occupied.
The other type of dreams I have are the ones where I'm in a half dream half alert state I know I'm dreaming but I'm so desperate to remain in my dream that I desperately cling to the images while other parts of my brain pull me into reality. When I do wake up I'm frustrated because I failed to stay in my fantasy world.
The other night I had the second type dream. My mother, father and I are were sitting on our old gold couch in my childhood home. We were just sitting, laughing and talking about nothing important. I remember having my head on my dad's shoulder and my arms around him. It was uncharacteristic of us to be that affectionate with each other but in my dream state it was okay. The images started to fade away and I clung to my father until he disappeared and I reluctantly opened my eyes.
As I get closer to graduation I spend a lot of time thinking about my father. Christmas--his favorite holiday--is fast approaching and my graduation is a month away. I miss him and wish he were here to see me walk across the stage wearing my stole, getting my masters. I know a lot of people will say that he will be there in spirit or looking down on me from heaven above and maybe he will but I can't help but want to say, "What a bunch of pandering bull shit." I know they're just trying to make me feel better but it really just pisses me off. Frankly, at moments like these it feels unfair that he had to die before I graduated with my Master, that he won't be around to see me get a PhD or see me published. And I know that I'm luckier than some. My father was here for my high school and my first college graduation but is it so bad to be greedy when it comes to having your parents at more special occasions? I don't think so.
I know being angry won't change any of the facts and the only person suffering is me but I miss my dad and there's no words of comfort that can take up the space he once occupied.
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