Mixed Feelings

While scroll through my Facebook page today I noticed an old high school friend/acquaintance had posted a picture of a CD with the caption, "Remember the D------?"  I did, in fact, remember the D------.  They were a band whose lead singer, C.G., was a classmate.  I remember him with very mixed feelings which is why I decided not include the band name or his name.

I have always been awkward and have very rarely followed the crowd.  I know most people look back on their high school years and say the same but I think in my case it was probably truer than other proclamations.  I was one of those fringe kids who didn't fit in with the misfits, preps, jocks, etc.  I wrote all the time which brings us to the leader singer of D---y Ch--ns.  

My senior year of high school two of our English teachers managed to get approval for two experimental elective literature classes.  Half the school year we were with one English teacher studying Women's Literature and other half was spent studying Science fiction.  

C.G. and I were in the classes together along with several other students.  During the first half we all got on fairly well, however, almost immediately certain people in the group gravitated to each other.  I watched with a mix of envy and admiration wishing I was accepted and believed that if I could just be more like various people in the group I would be welcomed into the group.  Don't get me wrong, they weren't mean to me, in fact, they were quite descent to me which made me admire them and want to be more like them.

There were five of them with C.G. being the leader of the group and there were so many great qualities about them but C.G. always stands out in my mind.  He was cool, deep and talented.  He wanted his life to be more than the mundane and he was making it happen.  He was in a band that actually had professional gigs and a CD.  I wanted to be cool like him.

During Sci-fi our teacher had us keeping a journal.  One of my entries ended up being about my classmates and their thoughts, opinions and personalities.  I wrote about how much I wanted to be like them.  After reading my entry my teacher decided that I should read it out loud.  I was actually pretty excited about the opportunity to tell my idols how much I idolized them. 

When C.G. discovered what would be happening he was the first to object.  He didn't care what people said about him but he didn't think it was right that someone was writing about him and being allowed to read it out loud.  I was crushed.  I had wanted them to know how much I admired them.  Then I was angry because he'd assumed I was writing negatively about him.  Our teacher decided that I shouldn't read it out loud.  She said they didn't deserve to know what I'd said about them.  In private she told me that I reminded her of herself when she was my age.  She told me that I was special in a way they'd never be, so stop wishing to be them and just be me.

C.G. hasn't changed much.  What has changed is my perception of him.  I'm not sure if it's because of my experiences with a different musician or just that I've grown up since then but whatever the reason, he's no longer untouchable.    I discovered that he's still in the same band.  He still lives in the same city and moves from gig to gig.  He's had a few local hits and made a few more albums.  I'm not saying my accomplishments are so much better than his because they're not.  Mine are just different. 

Like I said earlier I'm filled with some mixed emotions.  Looking at  his picture today I realized that he is the reason why I'm drawn to certain types of people.  A part of me still wants to be in with the "cool kids" but not at the expense of my feelings and dignity.  I'm also grateful to him.  Even though I'd always written I'd never let a teacher read my stuff.  My teacher liking what I'd written and even wanting me to read it out loud gave me the confidence to really pursue my dream of being a writer.  If he hadn't been in my life then maybe I wouldn't have kept writing.