I have a strange sense of spiritually. I'm probably completely full of shit, don't know what I'm talking about and will probably change my mind at some point. However, I believe in a God/Karma/Higher power type entity but I won't go as far as to claim any religion for many different reasons. I also believe that sometimes we can purposely or inadvertently will certain things to happen. We generally have some control over it and can stop or change the outcome however, like with everything if we don't stop ourselves then we can lose control and events will ricochet out of our mental/spiritual hands.
Two weeks ago I went by Walgreen's to pick-up one of my prescriptions. I wasn't really thinking of anything imparticular as I walked down the center aisle headed towards the exit. I looked up to see my You Tube Ex (I'm calling him this instead of by his real name to preserve his anonymity). I did what I always do, I stopped veered off in another direction and practically ran towards the exit, hoping he wouldn't see me go down another aisle.
Authority to Speak
So, this Thursday I'm going to be reading one of the essays from my thesis. And I'm dreading it. I'm reading it as part of the Hispanic Heritage Kick-off the organization I advise is hosting. To be honest, I sort of volunteered to do it. I told them I'd read if they couldn't find enough people to read. I guess that translated into, "Great! Weesha's reading for us." Don't get me wrong I'm extremely honored that they want me to read at their program and I would walk to the ends of the earth for each of them.
But, I'm filled with fear. I know it's not about speaking in public. I've done lots of presentations for my job and I've conducted workshops. I'm pretty comfortable in front of crowds.
The problem is, talking about abstract ideas, theories and the office is professional stuff, my essays are personal. And it's frightening to not only let others read but to have to read it to them. It's like being naked in public. All your imperfections are out there for others to see and judge. I know that my friends, colleagues and organization members love me but what about the others who don't know me. What will they say or think?
My fear is that those strangers will come up to me and say, "What authority do you have to talk about the Latino culture? What do you know?" In the past, when I've expressed my concerns to my first non-fiction writing professor, my thesis advisor and my mentor, they've all given me virtually the same answer: My authority comes from it being my life. This is true but it's hard to convince yourself that no one has the right to question whether you have the expertise to speak over your life or not.
However, as frightened as I am about Thursday night I'm going to step up to the podium and read. I'm going to read because even if I'm afraid to defend my authority, I know it's mine.
But, I'm filled with fear. I know it's not about speaking in public. I've done lots of presentations for my job and I've conducted workshops. I'm pretty comfortable in front of crowds.
The problem is, talking about abstract ideas, theories and the office is professional stuff, my essays are personal. And it's frightening to not only let others read but to have to read it to them. It's like being naked in public. All your imperfections are out there for others to see and judge. I know that my friends, colleagues and organization members love me but what about the others who don't know me. What will they say or think?
My fear is that those strangers will come up to me and say, "What authority do you have to talk about the Latino culture? What do you know?" In the past, when I've expressed my concerns to my first non-fiction writing professor, my thesis advisor and my mentor, they've all given me virtually the same answer: My authority comes from it being my life. This is true but it's hard to convince yourself that no one has the right to question whether you have the expertise to speak over your life or not.
However, as frightened as I am about Thursday night I'm going to step up to the podium and read. I'm going to read because even if I'm afraid to defend my authority, I know it's mine.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)