"I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets." -- D.H. Lawrence

Yesterday, my new friend and I were talking about the reasons we do some of the things we do, after our conversation I thought over what I'd shared.

I've been known to willingly make some really stupid decisions in my relationships with people, men in particular.  I know my friends often ask themselves, why does she continue to put herself in these situations.  What I think drives them more insane is that no matter how mentally and emotionally painfully or how threatening to my physical being and lifestyle these situations I still do them, and I usually come out unscathed.  Yes, I have a few bumps and bruises to my psyche but I generally come out with the perspective of, "Well, that was interesting."  I also prolong the relationships or start them back up which I think is even more exasperating.

Yesterday, I reflected, not for the first time, as to why I do these really stupid things.  I came up with some pretty honest realizations.

A Poem by Kim Addonizio

Fuck

There are people who will tell you
that using the word fuck in a poem
indicates a serious lapse
of taste, or imagination,

or both.  It's vulgar,
indcorous, an obscenity
that crashes down like an anvil
falling through a skylight

to land on a restaurant table,
on the white linen, the cut-glass vase of lilacs.
But if you were sitting
over coffee when the metal

Mrs. S

Last Saturday, I went with my best friend Rachel to visit her mother in the hospital.  Her mom had been sick for a few months and had finally been admitted into the hospital.  We visited for about an hour.  While there we found out that her mother might have cancer.  When we left we knew we had a battle ahead of us but we never thought time would get the better of us.

Sunday I received a text message from Rachel telling me that the hospital had called, asking her to come immediately.  A few hours later I got that feeling you get when something has happened.  I checked Facebook, typed in her dad's name and pulled up his profile and found well wishers, expressing their sympathies.  I didn't want to believe it so I called Rachel.  I got her voicemail and I knew without a doubt that the condolences I was reading on Mr. S's Facebook page were accurate.  Mrs. S was gone.

Mrs. S had the most beautiful person I've ever met.  She wasn't a thin, statuesque beauty.  She was short and plump but she had the most beautiful smile and a sparkle to her eyes that rivaled any Hollywood  beauty.  Her faith in God and Jesus never wavered.  Yet, she never pushed her beliefs on anyone.  She was a true Christian.  She loved completely and unconditionally.        

I thank Mrs. S for giving me my best friend Rachel.  And I am lucky to have known Mrs. S and been loved by her. I will always love and miss her.  

Radcliffe, a Photo booth and a Cat

Last night I had a dream about Daniel Radcliffe, a photo booth, and my cat Duchess.  Before you get all pervie it wasn't that kind of dream.

I was standing along with a few other students on the stage of a auditorium type classroom, not unlike those you see in movies but rarely anywhere else in American universities.  So, anyway me and the other other students are standing on the stage area debating, not over the existence of magic but whether the Wizarding World exists.  and I think I was on the, "there's no such thing" side because when Radcliffe showed up he was intent on convincing me otherwise.  Oddly, the only person who seemed flustered to see him was me.  Everyone else seemed to take it as no big deal, "Oh yeah, it's Daniel Radcliffe, he played Harry Potter in the movies."

Jenifer

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Jenifer.  She started out as one of the students in the organization I advice on my university's campus but with time I've become very close to her.  I see Jenifer as more than just one of my students or a friend.  She's the younger sister I didn't know I wanted or needed.  She is an inspiration to me. 

I wish that when I'd been her age I had been as passionate a person.  When I was twenty-one, I was just going through the motions, taking classes, going to work.  I didn't really know what I wanted or cared about in life, past the person I was dating, the movies I wanted to see and the clothes & shoes I wanted to buy.  Yes, I dreamed about being a writer but I never really had the confidence to push myself forward.  Although, she doubts herself at times,  she is so confident.  Sometimes, she just needs someone to reminder her of what she already knows.     

People Are Not the Colors of the Rainbow

I'm a half Latina, half white, Liberal, living in conservative East Texas and work for an office that promotes and educates on Diversity issues.  These issues include but are not limited to race/color, culture, lifestyle, and gender roles.  So, for the most part I'm use to certain groups treating me like I have an illness or like I'm the enemy and must be destroyed.  I actually don't mind working with these groups.  It's the "I'm not prejuidice" group that I have the most trouble with.