"I want to live my life so that my nights are not full of regrets." -- D.H. Lawrence
Yesterday, my new friend and I were talking about the reasons we do some of the things we do, after our conversation I thought over what I'd shared.
I've been known to willingly make some really stupid decisions in my relationships with people, men in particular. I know my friends often ask themselves, why does she continue to put herself in these situations. What I think drives them more insane is that no matter how mentally and emotionally painfully or how threatening to my physical being and lifestyle these situations I still do them, and I usually come out unscathed. Yes, I have a few bumps and bruises to my psyche but I generally come out with the perspective of, "Well, that was interesting." I also prolong the relationships or start them back up which I think is even more exasperating.
Yesterday, I reflected, not for the first time, as to why I do these really stupid things. I came up with some pretty honest realizations.
First, I see myself as a realist. I know when things are doomed to fail. I'm not trying to be a pessimist but if you toss a ball in the air it will fall down. So, I know when I'm doing stupid shit. However, I also live in the moment much of the time when it comes to relationship. I push aside rational realistic conclusions and just enjoy the time. I know things will turn out badly but my happiness can be fleeting so I enjoy it while I can.
Second, I don't like to give up on people or relationships. When I become emotionally attached to someone I don't like to let go. I feel as though I'm betraying the person. Even though my rational side tells me that I'm not, it still feels like a betrayal. I believe that all people are fundamentally good and they just need a chance to prove it. I hold on hoping things will return to the way they were or, at least, get better.
Third, sometimes, the prospective of being alone does scare me and in those moments I'd rather be in a shitty relationship than in none at all. It's pathetic but honest. I'm not always afraid of being alone and in fact, I actually like being alone more than having someone constantly around me. But, loneliness when it's at it's peak can be pretty powerful.
Finally, I'm a writer. I'm not saying all writers are like me but after hearing a story one of my professors told about himself I can't help but think it might be a symptom of my condition. A few years ago after he'd married, he'd ran into an ex-girlfriend at a bookstore. They started talking and decided to catch up over coffee. They'd been talking for a while when the woman got a call. It was her husband. She told him where she was but not with whom she was. A few minutes later the husband showed up and just stood over them glaring at my professor. My professor knew he should leave the situation and that if he didn't the guy just might beat the shit out of him but he just stayed where he was. He needed to see what would happen next and if he left his part in the story would be over. So, he prolonged his stay until they left. He reflected that he often wondered what happened once they'd left and wished he'd been able to see.
It dawned on me after hearing this story that I have the same problem. I tell stories. Specifically, I'm a non-fiction writer. I write about myself and how I see the world in the most objective way I can. In my search for new material about myself and my world I have a tendency to prolong situations I shouldn't because I want to see what will happen next. It's like I'm playing chess not to win but to just continually prolong the game in order to see what my opponent's next move will be. Even when I know it'll probably lead to me being strangle me, I keep moving. It's sick and twisted and I can't seem to help myself. Although, I think I've gotten better avoiding entering these games.
It's not easy to admit my flaws and I wish I could completely change but I have to wonder if I'd really be any happier if I did everything "right". And what is "right"? When I think of my relationships, the mistakes I've made I have few regrets. I wish my friends hadn't had to suffer along with me. I wish they hadn't worried over me. I wish I'd kept more of my turmoil to myself in order to spare them. But, I don't regret the situations, even the worst ones, because those relationship are a part of me. I have learned some lessons, maybe not all the "don't do that again" type but I've learned about who I am, what I want and why I do the things I do. And, life is too short to fill it with regrets and no happy memories.
I've been known to willingly make some really stupid decisions in my relationships with people, men in particular. I know my friends often ask themselves, why does she continue to put herself in these situations. What I think drives them more insane is that no matter how mentally and emotionally painfully or how threatening to my physical being and lifestyle these situations I still do them, and I usually come out unscathed. Yes, I have a few bumps and bruises to my psyche but I generally come out with the perspective of, "Well, that was interesting." I also prolong the relationships or start them back up which I think is even more exasperating.
Yesterday, I reflected, not for the first time, as to why I do these really stupid things. I came up with some pretty honest realizations.
First, I see myself as a realist. I know when things are doomed to fail. I'm not trying to be a pessimist but if you toss a ball in the air it will fall down. So, I know when I'm doing stupid shit. However, I also live in the moment much of the time when it comes to relationship. I push aside rational realistic conclusions and just enjoy the time. I know things will turn out badly but my happiness can be fleeting so I enjoy it while I can.
Second, I don't like to give up on people or relationships. When I become emotionally attached to someone I don't like to let go. I feel as though I'm betraying the person. Even though my rational side tells me that I'm not, it still feels like a betrayal. I believe that all people are fundamentally good and they just need a chance to prove it. I hold on hoping things will return to the way they were or, at least, get better.
Third, sometimes, the prospective of being alone does scare me and in those moments I'd rather be in a shitty relationship than in none at all. It's pathetic but honest. I'm not always afraid of being alone and in fact, I actually like being alone more than having someone constantly around me. But, loneliness when it's at it's peak can be pretty powerful.
Finally, I'm a writer. I'm not saying all writers are like me but after hearing a story one of my professors told about himself I can't help but think it might be a symptom of my condition. A few years ago after he'd married, he'd ran into an ex-girlfriend at a bookstore. They started talking and decided to catch up over coffee. They'd been talking for a while when the woman got a call. It was her husband. She told him where she was but not with whom she was. A few minutes later the husband showed up and just stood over them glaring at my professor. My professor knew he should leave the situation and that if he didn't the guy just might beat the shit out of him but he just stayed where he was. He needed to see what would happen next and if he left his part in the story would be over. So, he prolonged his stay until they left. He reflected that he often wondered what happened once they'd left and wished he'd been able to see.
It dawned on me after hearing this story that I have the same problem. I tell stories. Specifically, I'm a non-fiction writer. I write about myself and how I see the world in the most objective way I can. In my search for new material about myself and my world I have a tendency to prolong situations I shouldn't because I want to see what will happen next. It's like I'm playing chess not to win but to just continually prolong the game in order to see what my opponent's next move will be. Even when I know it'll probably lead to me being strangle me, I keep moving. It's sick and twisted and I can't seem to help myself. Although, I think I've gotten better avoiding entering these games.
It's not easy to admit my flaws and I wish I could completely change but I have to wonder if I'd really be any happier if I did everything "right". And what is "right"? When I think of my relationships, the mistakes I've made I have few regrets. I wish my friends hadn't had to suffer along with me. I wish they hadn't worried over me. I wish I'd kept more of my turmoil to myself in order to spare them. But, I don't regret the situations, even the worst ones, because those relationship are a part of me. I have learned some lessons, maybe not all the "don't do that again" type but I've learned about who I am, what I want and why I do the things I do. And, life is too short to fill it with regrets and no happy memories.
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