When Bad Shit Happens
Over the past several months, my self-esteem has begun to drop and all my little insecurities have begun to grown into huge doubts. Doubts about who I am, what I believe, and whether my beliefs are the right ones.
For about three hours today I thought my luck had finally changed. I thought I would finally be able to close the book on the whole job situation. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic but as the hours wore on I became more and more confident and I shouldn't have. As soon as I received the news that I was back to square one I wanted to cry.
I came home and to wonder how much wrong have I done that Karma has spent the last seven months raining down on my head? How bad have I been? And, exactly what have I done? I mean, I know some of the things I've done but I also know lots of people who have done far worse and as far as I know they've never had to deal with the unrelenting stream of bad shit I've been juggling.
After a few tears, I started to look more closely at the questions I was asking and to examine my confidence level. For the past seven months, I would say that the confidence my abilities, my beliefs and morals, and even my looks has started to drop.
The first to go was the confidence in my looks. My middle school and high school years were filled with mean taunts from kids at school and a grandmother who believed --and still does-- that I would be better if I were thinner. It took a long time to accept that I will always be short --5'-- and I will always be slightly overweight --no way you're getting that. As an adult, I try my damnedest to look good and be secure in what I do have but constantly seeing taller thinner women with smaller, perkier breasts than mine is hard on me. It's made harder when part of your life is up in the air. You start to wonder if not being thin enough really is the reason things are going so badly.
The second thing to go is doubt in my abilities. Maybe I'm not smart enough, maybe I don't have a good enough education, maybe I'm just fucking stupid. I start to reevaluate my papers, interaction in class and my grades. I compare myself to fellow students and peers and wonder if I just wasn't enough.
The last thing to go is my beliefs and morals. Maybe I am voting for the wrong presidential candidate, maybe I shouldn't believe in one thing or another, maybe who I believe God is and what he/she thinks is wrong. I'm not the best Christian, not that I see many good ones, but what if I'm worse than the good ones. I admit I have done a lot of stupid, immoral things in my life and maybe I deserve retribution for being a bad person, however, I see other people do even worse shit than me. So, what's ratio? Scale? Chart? How is it decided who gets what sort of punishment/karma for their crimes?
As I sit here and type I'm reminded how fragile self-confidence is and that when bad shit happens it's the thing that suffers the most. I wish I could hug mine, protect it from the slings and arrows and say, "everything is going to be okay. I'll protect you." but it's real difficult when you really doubt yourself.
For about three hours today I thought my luck had finally changed. I thought I would finally be able to close the book on the whole job situation. I was trying to be cautiously optimistic but as the hours wore on I became more and more confident and I shouldn't have. As soon as I received the news that I was back to square one I wanted to cry.
I came home and to wonder how much wrong have I done that Karma has spent the last seven months raining down on my head? How bad have I been? And, exactly what have I done? I mean, I know some of the things I've done but I also know lots of people who have done far worse and as far as I know they've never had to deal with the unrelenting stream of bad shit I've been juggling.
After a few tears, I started to look more closely at the questions I was asking and to examine my confidence level. For the past seven months, I would say that the confidence my abilities, my beliefs and morals, and even my looks has started to drop.
The first to go was the confidence in my looks. My middle school and high school years were filled with mean taunts from kids at school and a grandmother who believed --and still does-- that I would be better if I were thinner. It took a long time to accept that I will always be short --5'-- and I will always be slightly overweight --no way you're getting that. As an adult, I try my damnedest to look good and be secure in what I do have but constantly seeing taller thinner women with smaller, perkier breasts than mine is hard on me. It's made harder when part of your life is up in the air. You start to wonder if not being thin enough really is the reason things are going so badly.
The second thing to go is doubt in my abilities. Maybe I'm not smart enough, maybe I don't have a good enough education, maybe I'm just fucking stupid. I start to reevaluate my papers, interaction in class and my grades. I compare myself to fellow students and peers and wonder if I just wasn't enough.
The last thing to go is my beliefs and morals. Maybe I am voting for the wrong presidential candidate, maybe I shouldn't believe in one thing or another, maybe who I believe God is and what he/she thinks is wrong. I'm not the best Christian, not that I see many good ones, but what if I'm worse than the good ones. I admit I have done a lot of stupid, immoral things in my life and maybe I deserve retribution for being a bad person, however, I see other people do even worse shit than me. So, what's ratio? Scale? Chart? How is it decided who gets what sort of punishment/karma for their crimes?
As I sit here and type I'm reminded how fragile self-confidence is and that when bad shit happens it's the thing that suffers the most. I wish I could hug mine, protect it from the slings and arrows and say, "everything is going to be okay. I'll protect you." but it's real difficult when you really doubt yourself.
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